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[30 Jun 2008|09:02pm] |
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Happy Birthday Forrest.
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| tee hee hee |
[02 Jun 2008|09:17pm] |
I'm not usually one for voicing my feelings like this but damn it, I love my friends!!
Miss you guys. XOXO
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[01 Jun 2008|11:43pm] |
Oy so the weekend was pretty stressful. I pretty much didn't want to do anything all weekend. I did force myself to get up early to go to Yoga on Saturday. I held a posture too long and almost blacked out. I saw my vision going black and luckily, I just fell into child's pose.
I also have severe bruises on my arms because I'm trying to do the hardcore stuff. It looks like I'm getting a beat down from David, haha.
I had some sort of melt down today and I couldn't put my figure on it--whether it was my old self coming back or perhaps I'm just not dealing with the Forrest thing like I should. The chest started to tighten and I started hyperventilating and David had to do the quiet hands thing with me. Luckily, I had still had my stash of heavy duty anti-anxiety stuff (my crack). This is why I hate taking the stuff. I now am incapable of feeling any sort of emotion. I'm just sort of feeling airy and light. But I think for today, it was best for me to calm down. I've been exhibiting some questionable behavior lately. And it's weird, I keep wanting to buy things to fulfill this sadness inside of me.
Until I was told: No matter how much you can acquire, none of that matters if you don't love yourself.
Okay, okay, I don't really NEED a blackberry especially since I recently got a new phone anyways.
I'm extremely socially awkward as of late but that's okay as well. And after much careful thought and consideration, I have decided to purchase some pot. Just to take the edge off. Yes, this might backfire I know. social ineptness does not go well with pot. But it beats the other vices I often retreat to.
One day I want to wake up and not think I'm living in a nightmare. I believe he was up 4 hours before he shot himself. It's all sort of piecing together. Yes, it is an incredible burden to sympathize or understand the situation. Because it's sort of like, "hey Forrest, I understand why you did this and I'm not mad." But what does it matter, he's dead anyways. And ironically, he and I have had so many discussions about death and religion--Existentialism, reincarnation, god, gods. It's funny because you either don't know what happens when you die because you simply stop existing. Or you do you know. Forrest may or may not know. If he does know, then he's answered so many of our questions. I need something. A sign.
Felix is doing amazing and doing everything he should be doing--therapy, friends, etc. Even my aunt Wen has found peace with it. I find myself blocking this ability and i either ignore and try not to process or completely flip out once I do. I need a happy medium and sadly, I need to do something. That something I don't know but I've had the most incredible urge to escape and while marijuana may just do the opposite, I'm willing to try anyways. You have nothing to lose if you've hit rock bottom before.
Oh and I learned a new card game called shithead. It's the European version of asshole pretty much. I love it and if I could play myself, I would. Sadly, requires more than one player. I propose a night of card playing and Lollicup sometime. Yum.
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[10 May 2008|09:28pm] |
Can't re-cork my bottle of wine. I guess I have to drink it all!!
I put my canopy up today and it was super expensive. $80 bucks to put the stuff on top but now my room looks like it came out of a Pottery Barn magazine and I love it.
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[29 Apr 2008|12:59pm] |
I had a terrible dream last night about being married. I hated every second of it.
apparently when you're married you have this overwhelming sense of panic. Also, my husband was naked ALL the time. And he really shouldn't have been. Eww. And the greeting each other all the time. Ick ick ick. It wasn't David by the way.
Weird.
Also, I will refrain from further comments about Forrest's death/depression, etc. I feel like I have done more damage to myself than good. Until I find a cohesive way to deal with this, I need to "lock it up."
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| oh haha |
[13 Apr 2008|11:43am] |
So Vail was a lot of fun. A lot of weed and beer. And I told myself I'd smoke during Ben Harper's "Burn one down" song just for the hell of it. But I was by the porti-potties when the song came on and it's not like I can just pull out the ol' pipe then and there in front, I don't know, security.
We stayed with David's friend who we just found out got dumped by his girlfriend of 2 years. Which then it kind of sucked for him because it was him and then 3 other couples. And I feel like later on in the night, as he got drunker, his hatred towards women sort of came out and that he kept bickering with me about anything and everything. And he kept saying something about me having the "power" and women having the power and I'm like dude, I am not sure what power you are talking about. And he mumbled something about women being able to get taxis cuz they're hot and I'm like, WE HAVE TO GIVE BIRTH, shut up.
But yeah, it was sad seeing a heartbroken guy who got way too drunk and high.
And Vail is fucking cold.
Here are some pet peeves from people who actually live in the Vail.
---Skiers, snowboarders who refuse to put sun screen on and have the massive goggle tan. They think this is some kind of rite of passage into extreme sports or something. Yeah, real smart, who cares about cancer.
--People who refer to Vail as "the Valley"?
--Annoying children of rich people who let their kids run around and be little devil children.
--The ridiculous boots girls wear. One girl looked like the skinned a maltese to get her boot.
Hmm that's all.
Glad you're liking Bebel Stace!! More cds coming your way.
Oh and did you say you would get me Flobats?
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| I hate spin class |
[08 Apr 2008|09:54pm] |
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I haven't moved from my couch in the past hour
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[07 Apr 2008|08:03pm] |
80% of the matches for my mom so far are ugly. And nearly all of them are like 60.
The only sort of attractive guy is all hippy zen-like. He does like NPR however. And my mom loves NPR.
Hmmmmm
Yeah, she really shouldn't have given me her password ;)
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[25 Mar 2008|10:39pm] |
So I used to get sleep paralysis maybe 3-4 times a week due to stress and lack of sleep. Now, I'll get sleep paralysis maybe once every few months. Never really have I actually hallucinated before. Except this time, I opened my eyes and there was a thing with a cape on, blacked out face with no legs just floating above me. So yea, it was kind of scary.
Tonight, I'm at dinner with my brother and I mention this to my brother that I had sleep paralysis. I don't mention the floating thing. He then says, "yea I usually see an old woman no legs floating above me." So I'm surprised and we talk more and apparently it's some Asian legend that it's a demon visitation who didn't get a proper offering.
So I go home and google and research and find out this is called "Old Hag Syndrome," as the spirit world calls it. The medical world calls this....sleep paralysis..no demon visitation but simply you hare half way in REM sleep, your body is asleep but mind alert. And yes, you can dream while you're "awake."
Nonetheless, I'm making David spend the night. This is when I LOVE having him live upstairs. Also, he is prepared to wake me (but not shake me) if I appear to be twitching or whimpering. I tell you what, sleeping next to me is like sleeping next to the little girl in the exorcist.
Which brings me to the conclusion that I should never have kids because if my kid every sleep walked or did weird shit, I'd be in the dousing holy water on the kid.
Whew, here's to good sleep. And no witch lady.
Night night
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[23 Mar 2008|09:12pm] |
So I haven't really talked that much about my trip to Cali, so here's my update:
It was amazing. I absolutely love seeing my Cali family and each time I visit, I get that urge to pick up and move so I can be surrounded by their love and warmth. So I went to visit my aunt and uncle (actually my 2nd cousins but in Chinese culture, they are my aunt and uncle) and their son who goes to UC Berkeley. Felix also flew out so it was an awesome family reunion. Some highlights include TONS of eating. My family tends to plan itineraries based on food so while I was in Berkeley, we had Thai food, Korean food, Indian, In-n-Out, vegan, and steak fajitas. My aunt Pei and uncle Chris are absolutely adorable, married for 10 years now and so fucking charming that strangers have paid for their meals TWICE simply because they are "precious." They are currently learning to play the cello together.
Felix was great and laughed a lot and it was good to see him smiling in spite of the loss of his brother. David was able to get in a talk about Forrest in the trip and Felix mentioned he's having a rough time but all in all, he's alright. I do have to say, without trying to be superstitious or far reaching, that it felt like Forrest's presence was there. So the weather in Berkeley was supposed to be rainy the whole time we were there and it didn't RAIN once. So we were able to go on one of Forrest's favorite hikes. Literally the first night I'm there, I have this dream where I'm in complete darkness and I sit there and I say "Ok Forrest, I am ready to see you." And then I'm extremely frightened because I've never seen Forrest in his spirit form and I don't know what to expect. Suddenly a flash of green surrounds me and sort of wraps itself around my body. I wake up. The next thing I'm up late reading till about 3am. I turn out the light and fall asleep. 2 hours later, all the lights in the living room are on. And the house is a very creaky house so if anyone was to get up, I'd here them for sure. I look at the clock and it's 5am which is always the time that Forrest and his gang of friends get home, my aunt calls this his vampire hour. So yea, I'm not sure and it's probably all nothing which is why I haven't told my family or anything.
Also visited UC Berkeley again. Stace, remember our dreams of going there? I saw like 5 Jabamamas!! Also, they have these people who are protesting the cutting down of these trees to build an athletic building so they are LIVING in the trees. They've been up there for 2 months already and they are way up there and you can't see the people but you see there little tents, hehehe. That's fucking hardcore.
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[21 Mar 2008|12:50pm] |
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MARCH MADNESS HAS TAKEN MY SOUL. GOOOO DRAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| kiss kiss bang bang |
[12 Mar 2008|11:44pm] |
So my last post was a bit of a drag so I pose a question to the small handful of you that read this (or Staci haha.....
Describe your best first kiss and worst first kiss:
I'm saying first kiss because it's that initial spark that I was thinking about today.
My best first kiss, and this sounds terrible, was at a party in Boulder and an older college guy probably took advantage of my lil freshman self and granted I was drunk and high, something about making out in an alley way and then peacing out before he can grab your digits is awesome. This is not to say David is a bad kisser because he's awesome, I'm just talking first kisses and ours was kind of awkward.
Worst:
Charlie Kollar mouth raped me. And I think this might have been at the same party. Funny, best and worst kisses at the same night. So he mentions something about how great it is to see me, how we never talked enough in high school, blah blah, and that it's his birthday, and I turn to look at him and as if that means "yes kiss me" he engulfs my entire mouth/cheek area. And I was so surprised (and drunk, high, etc) that I just laughed, got up and left. So yea, when I see Charlie now, we don't bring this up.
Hehehe.
What about you guys???
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[11 Mar 2008|10:02pm] |
Tonight I had dinner with my dad which was nice except when we were leaving this restaurant and this girl came up to my dad and started hugging him as if they were old friends. It then occurred to me that this was part of my dad's other life. This person knew my father and his wife and kid but had never known he has a daughter.
I always thought my dad was sort of a loner but never really thought that he was that cookie cutter type of father TO someone else. And the times I can remember this was when I was really young and before I could even enjoy having a dad around, he went away. And after all these years, he has been a dad after all. To someone else.
And it's sort of a sucky situation because I can't be angry at him or voice my anger towards him because he nearly died. In fact, tonight he looked remarkably older and I would argue that the GBS disease will probably take years out of his life.
So here's where I think perhaps therapy might have come in handy. Either that or coke. I can't decide which.
I'm okay though. Oddly enough. Just a little disappointed.
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| burn baby burn |
[04 Mar 2008|10:54pm] |
So out of sheer boredom, a little while back, I cut my bangs. Now, I cut a good 3 inches off so this was drastic enough even for my boss to notice. Then last weekend my mom says they look a little off and offers to fix them. She then cuts too much off and starts giggling compulsively saying how I look like a doll, all the while, she keeps cutting. So come Monday, I go to work in my annoyingly straight, really short bangs. They are short, stubby, and they just hang there. So today I couldn't take it anymore and booked an appointment at Moxie, this trendy little salon by my apartment. I was apprehensive at first but with stylist names like "Chi Chi" and a gay receptionist named "Wookie", how could you go wrong.
So I bring in my a picture (Reese witherspoon, long and wispy bangs) and my stylst Ryann, pronounced RI-Ann, works her magic. It's still long but has an edgy feel to it. I LOVE IT.
A lot of the time at work I feel like I'm out of my element. Sometimes I feel so withdrawn and quiet that I force myself to be more approachable. However, because everything is so forced, it all seems fake. And so today, I thoroughly annoyed myself and I thought, if I find myself annoying, imagine what others think. But it doesn't matter what others think and I'm still trying to come to terms with that.
San Francisco is coming up soon and I can't wait. This will be a long awaited, exciting but also terribly emotional trip. This will be the first time that all cousins are in California but minus one. But it will be good and hopefully, Forrest will be there in spirit.
Tis all for now.
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| a time to gloat |
[01 Mar 2008|06:04pm] |
Who just had drinks with Mike Bell??
Hehehehe.
Stace, please forward this to Dan.
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| Life is weird |
[25 Feb 2008|10:32pm] |
My mom read this article in Newsweek about depression and about how it really is OKAY to be depressed (with the exception of severe depression to which you need to be treated). We live in a culture where we go to the doctor and say "I'm sad" and just like that you are prescribed medication. It's just another quick fix in a society that thrives on instant gratification. I've been thinking lately about where I fall on this spectrum.
I was telling Carina the other day how wonderful it was to feel again. That actually crying when Kristen left was a big deal for me. My medication made me lose many feelings. At the same time, I felt like there was no bottom to that sadness. Now, I am happy and sometimes I'm sad. Lately, I've been so stressed out that I have panic attacks late in the night. The past few years have taught me to expect tragedy.
I get flashbacks of my father shaking his head vigorously when the doctors told him he was about to be sedated and hooked up to a machine. He couldn't talk anymore so all he could do was shake his head. He couldn't say "no" or "I'm scared." I think of the ring tone that woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me Forrest was, well, you know. I feel this knot in my stomach and it goes all the way up to my chest and I panic.
Then, there are other times when I'm deliriously happy. And I love that I have feeling. The other day I was so happy that my half brother and I were getting along that I nearly cried. Again.
So I suppose this is all part of life, right? The ups and the downs. Somehow, I just need to quiet that irrational voice in my head that everyone I love is going to die suddenly and tragically.
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| It's the final countdown |
[23 Feb 2008|01:10pm] |
I cooked enchiladas for David's married friends last night. The girl is a vegetarian so I made one tray of cheese and onion enchiladas. I feel like because I am a carnivore, I may have half assed the vegetarian portion because I had a taste of her enchiladas and they did not taste good, my friend. I am hoping I didn't poison her. The chicken enchiladas turned out wonderfully, however.
Things are not going so well with the living situation. I feel like the fighting has increased and my nerves are shot. I know that a big reason why he moved in this building was because of me. And in a way, I sort of feel tied here now. And even before the fighting and before he moved in, I was looking for other options...seeing what else was out there.
I don't know if there is a direct correlation between the fighting and the living situation. I would think living in the same building but having our own personal space would be the best situation. But we can't even live in the same building? I'm not sure what this says about us.
There were a lot of things said in the heat of the moment. Hurtful things that I'm told to forgive and forget, but I can't.
Also,
I used to think I just dated guys that were liars. However, I've heard the phrase "I lied to protect you" so many times that it makes me wonder--am I putting out this vibe that makes my significant other feel like he has to lie (about the silliest things) to avoid an uncomfortable situation or to "protect" me? I've never been one of those girls that keep their guys on a leash and I value time together as well as time apart...so I just don't know where this is coming from. And I don't think I need this so called protection. I hate the line.
I have to say...and I say this in strictest confidence that I am extremely jaded. And that I used to feel quite confident but I am losing that. And it is no one's fault but my own. But I suppose, I do have baggage. Just don't lie. I'd rather not know then find out you lied.
Ugh, all this is bringing back unnecessary memories.
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[20 Feb 2008|11:24pm] |
In 2004 I had a melt down where I felt like my entire family was falling apart, I was disillusioned with my relationship with Sam, and just feeling generally blue.
Here's what Forrest wrote:
uncle ryan... he's a nice guy, but he was never... how can i put it, the most tactful.
meeting your half brother may or may not be a good idea. if his mother hasn't tainted him too much, it might be a postitive experience. but if meeting him is any less than positive, fuck it. i wouldn't feel the need to see him again.
whatever you decide to do, just be careful.
please don't expect to be hurt by everyone you meet, a mindset like that is far more detremential to one's self than actually being hurt.
at least in the long run.
try to take it easy. if you need to talk, call my home or cell. cell # is 920 540 3722.
love ya chea
the forrest
So yea, I was digging through old posts because I am starting to forget him. Because we grew so distant at the end that it seems like YEARS since we actually really talked. The pain hurts like hell. I literally feel like there's a knife driving into my chest each time I think about it. I often get confused and start talking about him like he's still around but then I realize the reality of it all and then shock, pain, all over again. I am not sure if this is the normal coping process or just borderline insanity? I take too many sleeping pills just to sleep. Having nightmares like crazy again. So much tragedy has struck my family throughout the years that it is out of instinct that I tend to expect it. I am going up to San Francisco in March with David and Felix. Will be first time that this will be brotherless. I hope Forrest didn't think I replaced him with my half brother.
We tend to get so caught up in ourselves, we don't see the other person slowing dying. Until it's too late.
And I'm not placing blame on myself. I'm just incredibly heart broken. I thought boys broke my heart. This is shattering.
I read his comments and I forget he's dead. Someone in cyberspace, his words make him alive.
I wish he knew how amazing he was. People tend to say someone's really awesome after they die. But Forrest had a beautiful soul and the touched everyone around him. He left behind a little brother that idolized him, 5 friends that called him their "best friend", a mother that could see no wrong in him, and a father that often misunderstood him but never had the time to figure out. Then, there's, well, me.
I try to go about my days but it's hard. I'm not sure if I have the mental capacity go through this. But I need to. At the same time, I'm so exhausted.
no dreams, please.
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[19 Feb 2008|10:33pm] |
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Who rolls THREE Yahtzees but still manages to lose? ME!!!!
Stupid dice.
I am a terrible loser. I've been pouting for at least 30 minutes. David also said he almost decided to add up the score wrong because he knew I'd be so pissed.
I think our neighbors think we're a bunch of drunks. But in actuality, we are just rolling dice and screaming.
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[11 Feb 2008|08:41am] |
I had something more profound to say last night but I was too tired to post.
Sara and I were talking about livejournal and how funny it is that we will post these angry, dramatic posts and how if some random stranger were to stumble upon these journal entries, they would probably think we were fucking CRAZY.
This weekend was filled with lots of tears. Happy tears.
Kristen is currently on a bus to Lincoln, NE for her 2nd show with Up with People. I believe, on Sat. night, during her first entrance where she skipped around the audience and did jazz hands like dances, a part of me was laughing at her (such a good friend I am) but then I realized how amazing this was going to be for her and how she's going to Mexico and Thailand and gets to hang out with Swedes and Irishmen and I sort of started bawling. And I think people thought I was crazy because Up with People is supposed to be about being insanely happy like you're having a seizure. This was David's interpretation of course and he was much better at being "happy" than i was.
Then at her goodbye party yesterday, I believe Lizzie and I started crying (yes, I am a crying mess) and then the rest of her friends with the exception of the 3 guys there, and it was this trickle effect and then her dad was all teary eyed.
I also have fun hanging out in the burbs and bonded really well with my dog. She's still the most peculiar thing ever and this might be so because her owners are kind of odd as well. She has to eat with her collar taken off first, and you have to sit at the table and pretend you're eating as well. I think she wants to have company while she eats. But you really have to pretend you're eating because sometimes she won't buy it. Also, she poops literally a half hour after she eats. Every time.
Keeping things in perspective though...and no matter how much I bitch, it is important to recognize all the privileges I do have and that no matter what, life isn't THAT bad when compared to say...poverty in Africa.
Must go to work.
P.S.
Thanks to abundance of hugs over the weekend, I'm not so weird when it comes to hugging now. I may actually like it. It still however, does not come naturally but eh some things will never change.
Next step: Cuddle for more than 5 minutes!
Woo!
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